Transparency

This life is full of the mediocre and the mundane. The tough questions and the complex answers.

This life is messy.

Ryan always challenged me - he knew my tones and could interpret my inflections. When I said things like "I'm fine", he heard that things are not 'fine' and called me on it. He held me accountable to the transparency I claimed as a way of life.

And I miss that.

No one else is willing to sort through the garbage of pleasantries and formalities, and really get to know me - or anyone else - on a real, true level.

Ryan wanted to know what was bothering me. Whether it was his genuine compassionate nature, or his desire to know that he was not alone in the tumult of trials, I don't know. I'll never know.

But I do find myself constantly questioning the sincerity of people, gauging by their posture and tone whether they truly want to hear how I am.

This juggle between 'putting on a happy face', being fake, and strangling my constant tears for fear of judgment, and being real, open, honest and authentic in my grief is slowly killing me.

Slowly.

Slowly.

From the inside out.

I don't want people's pity, but I want the freedom to cry when I need to. I just can't stand that we are such selfish beings that we are offended by other people's misfortune.

I don't want to be accused of raining on someone else's parade - and that's a feeling that I know Ryan could relate to.

Am I morbid to think that I understand his battle with bipolar so much better through the eyes of grief?

 

The question is WHY? Why can't we be real and genuine? I will have bad days on your good days, and vice versa. I will cry while you celebrate with laughter and smiles. And vice versa.

We will get on each others' nerves and offend each other. That is the result of a sin-filled earth. If our hearts are truly tuned to love, and unconditionally loving, then we are less offended. More sincere. More compassionate. More empathetic and sympathetic. More open, humbled and -dare I say it- honest. More genuine.

Why can't we all live out loud, exposed?

I long for the freedom to be the person God is molding and shaping me to be. And I pray for the courage to accept that freedom, when everyone else is content in their coffin of status-quo.

 

Oh, Heaven.....COME!

 

--Julie--