The Hard Question

Last night, my 7 year-old daughter came to me, and asked about the "cause" of Bipolar Disorder.

She wanted to know (in the 2nd grade vernacular) if Bubbo (Ryan) had Bipolar because one of my parents gave it to him, like a cold, or if he just "catched it" on his own.

Wow.

I don't think I was giving my girl enough credit. She is obviously way more perceptive than I thought.

So I promptly called the only person I could think of to help me navigate this egg-shell laden path: my mom. She insisted on Face-timing with the inquisitive mind, and tearfully explained that neither she nor Poppy was responsible for Ryan's mental illness.

This made my heart happy, to hear the answer to a question that burned deep down in my own mind.

I have silently wondered for years if they blamed themselves.

The next biggest question I have, now that that one is answered, is if I blame myself.

Now, I know that it is genetically impossible for ME to have "caused" Ryan's BPD.

But the lingering guilt is from the nagging feeling that I didn't do enough to help. And if I didn't do enough to help, did I hinder progress in treatment?

 

I don't know a single person who gets along with their sibling 100% of the time. I surely didn't.

But over the passed two and a half years, Ryan and I had more laughs than fights.

Before Ryan was diagnosed, there was a brief period where we were constantly bickering. Not the "I'm never going to speak to you again" type, but the "you are wrong and I am right" variety.

Looking back, I feel that I wasn't as mature as I should have or could have been. I didn't have to argue or prove my points. I didn't have to.

Did my restless desire to be right 100% of the time push Ryan into the psychotic meltdown that led to his BPD diagnosis? Did I somehow "help" the spiral in it's downward decline? Am I to blame?

 

Who's to say?

All I can do now in Monday-Morning-Quarterback the situation and try to move forward, navigating the pieces of my broken heart with transparency and humility.

And do my best to answer the difficult questions in my heart, and the hearts of my two innocent children.

And hope that I can figure out how to glorify God through it all.

 

Thanks for reading,

 

--Julie--