Painting

If you had to paint your feelings, what would it look like?
My answer: every color of the rainbow on a crumpled up and ripped piece of paper 

Justice, my 7 year old daughter, asked to paint. Then she asked me to paint with her. 

I didn't know what to paint, so she told me to "paint what I'm feeling". 

That's how I came up with this: 

I feel everything and nothing all at once.

I feel crumpled up and ripped and holy- missing parts. 

Relieved that Ryan is in Heaven.

Sad because I'm not. 

Angry because he left. 

Happy because I will see him again.

Pissed off at people who took advantage of him. 

Restless because I don't know what to do next.

Guilty that I couldn't save him. 

Bitter because he didn't let me help.

Tired of crying. 

Afraid that I don't cry enough. 

Irritated that I think so much. 

Jealous of people who will never know this pain.

Overwhelmed with well-wishers asking me how I am.

 Shattered because no one seems to really care.

 

Exhausted. Fed up. Dismayed at the lack of control. 

Confused, hurt.

Proud that I got to be his sister, even for a while. 

Devastated that I failed my parents. 

Like I said, I feel it all.

And nothing.

Like I want to zone out and sleep for 5 years. 
But also like I want to run a marathon.

 I don't know.... Maybe God will reveal something profound in that. 

I've heard quite frequently lately that God pours out passion through pain.

So I guess I'm along for the ride... Let's see where this leads.

 

--Julie--