To the masses

Scattered through pages of countless grief books, you will find a common theme: suicide is unexplainable.

There is no "right" and no "wrong" way to grieve a suicide.

There is no way to explain to someone who isn't a survivor, how this brand of loss feels.

The survivors of suicide are unique. The utter devastation they have lived through unites them, millions strong. The loss is radical- incomprehensible, even, on some levels. Death by car accident, sickness, and old age are entirely different, and someone who has not ever experienced the anguish of losing a loved one to suicide will never be able to understand.

 

I get all this.

But living in the fast-paced age we are in, slow healing is hard. Especially with the 'get over it' front most people conjure.

It makes my stomach ache to explain to someone who isn't a SOS (survivor of suicide) why I am crying, why I can't 'get over it', why I still have bad days 11 weeks later, why I can't let go, say goodbye, or move on. And truth be told, it makes me resent the person for even assuming that one day I will wake up and go back to normal. It makes me literally shake with silent anxiety to be around people who just expect me to be happy.

I will never be the way I once was.

Let me say that again: I AM FINDING A NEW NORMAL.

My life is divided into two distinct areas, a thick black line drawn across the timeline of my life. "Before" and "After".

I may never be interested in the things that used to thrill me. I may never enjoy things I previously favored. I may not ever be able to have a conversation without crying.

And all that is ok.

Coming to the realization that my life is forever 'different' was not the hard part. The hard part is realizing that I will lose relationships and friendships that I poured life into, because there is no attempt made to understand my new reality.

There is little compassion.

 

Some day, I will smile. And I will laugh.

Then, because my life is governed by the vicious cycle of human emotion, I will cry.

And that is just how it is going to be.

I'm ok with that.

If you care for me, you should be ok with that, too.

 

So, to the masses who are lucky enough not to be a suicide survivor, let me issue this insight:

if you want to be a friend, don't expect normalcy.

It's a hallow illusion for someone like me.

 

--Julie--