What is the difference between being defensive and taking offense to something?
Is it pride that wells up within me, every time someone "suggests" counseling?
Is it pride that wells up within me, every time someone "suggests" counseling?
And just what will a counselor do for me?
Most people, let alone counselors cannot identify with the situation that I am in, and will give me textbook psychobabble about grief and being kind to myself during this process, about the journey to "recovering" and "moving on".
Most people, let alone counselors cannot identify with the situation that I am in, and will give me textbook psychobabble about grief and being kind to myself during this process, about the journey to "recovering" and "moving on".
After all, this is uncharted waters...
I am a Christian -although that label is vague in this Babylonian culture- I believe in Jesus as the perfect Son of God, Savior of my soul from an eternity in Hell by graciously taking my punishment for sins on Himself. So, I believe that there is nothing that I will ever go through, that my God has not experienced, and He is the best Counselor. In fact, one of His names/attributes is Wonderful Counselor.
I relive those moments, from that day, frame-by-frame. Who knows why? I am not consciously searching for something I could have done differently. I am not replacing what is true with imagined memories. I just think about it. What I felt. What he looked like, laying there while my mom labored in CPR. What I was thinking at the time. How I cried those ugly tears of shock. How I yelled and lamented. How I wished it was untrue.
Why can't people seem to grasp that there is no going back to "normal"? That there is not ever going to be the 'old' Julie again. I will forever be an altered version of myself. A new self. Changed.
Why are people so accepting of changes in the lives of others- when they meet that special someone, get married, move away, lose a child, lose a husband, or have been through a trauma like rape, kidnapping, etc.?
Grieving is a process. And losing my brother has forever altered the person I am. My personality is different. I am still in the process of this grief. It's only been 3 1/2 months. August 25 will be 4 months.
I am a Christian -although that label is vague in this Babylonian culture- I believe in Jesus as the perfect Son of God, Savior of my soul from an eternity in Hell by graciously taking my punishment for sins on Himself. So, I believe that there is nothing that I will ever go through, that my God has not experienced, and He is the best Counselor. In fact, one of His names/attributes is Wonderful Counselor.
I relive those moments, from that day, frame-by-frame. Who knows why? I am not consciously searching for something I could have done differently. I am not replacing what is true with imagined memories. I just think about it. What I felt. What he looked like, laying there while my mom labored in CPR. What I was thinking at the time. How I cried those ugly tears of shock. How I yelled and lamented. How I wished it was untrue.
Why can't people seem to grasp that there is no going back to "normal"? That there is not ever going to be the 'old' Julie again. I will forever be an altered version of myself. A new self. Changed.
Why are people so accepting of changes in the lives of others- when they meet that special someone, get married, move away, lose a child, lose a husband, or have been through a trauma like rape, kidnapping, etc.?
Grieving is a process. And losing my brother has forever altered the person I am. My personality is different. I am still in the process of this grief. It's only been 3 1/2 months. August 25 will be 4 months.
Why is this the most difficult part of the process - the loss of friendships because there is no compassion or embrace of the 'new', altered me?
Why can't people be more sensitive? Why do I expect people to offer me grace to become who I am? Why can't I wrap my brain around people's extreme selfishness?
Why can't people be more sensitive? Why do I expect people to offer me grace to become who I am? Why can't I wrap my brain around people's extreme selfishness?
So please, if you are reading this, don't suggest counseling- unless you have experienced what I have, and done the counseling thing, and have a positive takeaway.
And if you have already suggested that I "talk to someone" or see a counselor, I forgive you your complete lack of understanding for this experience. I'm not mad at anyone. I just wish that everyone would understand that there is no going back. Things can't be 'fixed'. I'll never be who I was. And as I withdraw into myself and bare down in my grief, if you cannot extend me grace while I heal, please just bypass any communication with me at all.
I will emerge from this season of lamenting. It probably won't be soon- it could take years.
But I will have joy again, I will laugh again, and I will move past crying all the time. Or maybe not. But whatever happens in the future, I'm ok with it. And if you truly cared about me, as a person, then you should be ok with it too.
--Julie--
It is very difficult for me to read these, probably as difficult as it is for you to write them. In fact with the exception of this post and the intro, I cant read them without completely loosing control of every emotion. Right now for me... There is no "dealing". I shove it away, somewhere I think is safe for the time being, til a certian song comes on, or I have to drive past Peltier Rd, or I have the urge to send a txt that will never again be answered.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you people are not so understanding or accepting with rape either. They treat you like your a stigma. Though it is a completely different event from death, you still loose a part of yourself you will never get back. For someone who has been in and out of therapy since they were 10 I can tell you "talking to someone" doesnt always help, nor does it change "the process". The time it takes for each individual to go through "the process" is not predetermined. In fact when you loose a part of you, there is this constant hole that can never be filled in the pit of your gut, or center of your chest. Someone that doesnt have a "hole" will never "get it". Personally I've learned no one is ever gonaa "get it". With the exception of a few, and your brother was one of those few, I stopped trying to explain the "hole". You be mad, upset, and cry everyday. Just know that I am ok with that, and I hope the favor can be returned.