I want Ryan back. That much is pretty plain to see. But what you don't see is this little piece of me that dies every time someone tells me, by their own determination, that Ryan would be proud of me, what I have accomplished, or what I will do in the future.
The fact is that you don't know.
I don't know.
No one this side of Heaven knows if he would be proud of me.
No one knows if he would get that twinkle in his eyes and give me the thumbs-up. I can surmise, based on our relationship, if he would or not. But you can't. You aren't Him or him or me.
If I was a good sister, maybe I would have done more. I know this, because I COULD have done more.
If I was a good sister, maybe things would have turned out differently.
Maybe.
But no one can know.
So, please, if you care to tell me that you think Ryan would be proud - skip it.
Tell me that you think that I am doing good, or don't.
But don't fool me by thinking that you know Ryan's thoughts. Maybe he would have hated all of this... Maybe not...
I'll find out when I get to Heaven.
--Julie--
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