The Little Things

So far I have managed to maneuver some big, messy, emotional events without my brother. 

But the little things that pop up, and remind me of what he is missing- and what I am missing without him- devastate me emotionally. 

One example is this year's football season. Kevin and I have hosted a fantasy football league for years. And Ryan played in our league a few times. Ryan had an uncanny knack for sports facts, and football was no exception. Everyone admired Ryan's 'useless knowledge'- which was useful during fantasy football. Ryan knew so much about players, teams, and schedules. He was a fantastic asset to me, because unlike the rivalry between friends, Ryan would help me make a good, solid decision on who to play, but then his team would beat mine anyways that weekend. He never cheated me and he always helped me out. Always. 

This year we aren't hosting a league and it is heartbreaking. I miss it. But I think I would miss his presence more, making it difficult to play, diminishing my desire to win. 

I can't really put into words just how sad I am. It's a bunch if things all at once- September 1 was the opening of dove season. Ryan always hunted the opener and last year he made me promise to hunt this year with him.

I didn't, he didn't, we didn't, and the world seems more messed up because of it. 

Time seems to be flying by, and I feel like too soon the holidays will be upon us.

I don't even want to imagine how 'wrong' Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years will feel without my brother's goofy smile and antics. 

Soon we will pass through this stage, and time for the plans we made with Ryan will pass, and we won't be as sad. Or maybe we will. 

This is uncharted territory, and we each experience this loss so differently.

All I know is that with each passing day, the hole in my life becomes more obvious and I cry more. This is not a nightmare, this is real life, and I have to keep transitioning and growing.

Time waits for no man, as they say. 

I look forward to our reunion in Heaven, and I am committed to this process of character development that God is refining me through.

Romans 8:28 says "all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose." 

So, God, I love You. I am called. And I'm willing to work to see the good. 

--Julie--