Secrets

We all know one.

Or two.

They keep us isolated, solitary in our attempt to hide a revelation from someone. But they are poison.

Understand, I am not referring to the 'sshh! Don't tell Daddy what we got him for Christmas' kind of secrets.

I mean those deep dark confidences we are entrusted with- either by a friend or from ourselves.

Yes, we can know something or experience something and not share it. Out of fear. Spite. Principal.

If left unchecked, these seemingly innocent or long-forgotten little secrets can give the devil just enough foothold to warp our judgment.

 

"No one will understand."

"It was so long ago"

"It doesn't matter."

"It's not really a secret."

"No one cares."

"It's none of anyone else's business."

 

These are all fallacies the Prince of the Air conjures to keep us from living in true redemptive freedom.

We keep our feelings from someone because we don't want to hurt them. Meanwhile this wedge starts to form between you and a person, over a probably trivial 'secret'.

We keep our own confidences, to protect our image - and prevent any true, meaningful and worthwhile relationships.

 

What if someone knew your secrets? What if the very person that you think you are protecting, is keeping a deeper, darker secret from you?

What if exposure could lead to freedom, acceptance, and healing?

 

Would anyone drink that kool-aid?

 

I'll start:

I thought it was just a cry for attention.

I thought he just ran off, like he used to, and would turn up, like he always did.

I dragged my feet getting there because I thought that he didn't deserve the attention.

I thought I knew.

Who knows what could have been, had I been there 5 minutes sooner?

Who knows how long he had been gone, or if I could have made a difference in the outcome of his desperate act?

I can live with the questions.

I can live with his result.

But what I can't live with is the cloud of silent torment constantly raining on every bright moment of every day, because I feel guilty.

And I don't have to.

If I can expose this yoke, bring it to the attention of those who love me, maybe I don't have to carry it anymore.

Maybe now that I have 'told' on myself, revealed my own dark secret, I am no longer a slave to its powers of guilt, isolation and destruction?

Can I be free?

 

Without this rancid rotten lie hanging over me, like a noose wanting to rob my life from freedom, I can breathe.

 

The truth is no one will ever understand, completely.

The truth is no one can know what might have been.

But...TRUTH is that it's ok that no one will 'get it' entirely. It's ok to wonder-without guilt.

And it is ok to go on living, out in the open.

Exposed.

Revealed.

It's ok to be authentic, without a veil of secrets protecting me.

Because these secrets prevent true healing.

 

A healing I am desperate for.